Fun fact: this probably would have been done on Saturday, had WordPress not have devoured half my post. THANKS, WP.
Previously on: THIS SHOW CAUSES ME A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF STRESS:
Speaking of episode ten, can we talk about that for a minute? Because, man. MAN. Maaaaaaan. The thing about this show that I both love and loathe is that you never know what’s gonna happen but you can almost always guarantee what does happen is the last thing in the world you actually want.
Except when it’s exactly what you wanted, only you didn’t even know it. Like last week’s CGI Super Gorilla. Which did not make a reappearance and I genuinely hoped would become a reoccurring character. CW, consider it.
Stills belong to CW, dialogue heavily paraphrased unless otherwise noted with an asterisk, and as always, spoiler heavy. Enter at your own risk.
That time everything wasn’t okay and then it was until it wasn’t again.
The 100 doesn’t believe in fucking around even a little so we open with Bellamy in shackles and everything is awful. Except for Bob Morley’s body. Gift from the Lord, that one. GOD IS GOOD.
Side note (there’s a lot of these in this week’s recap. I don’t know. I have a lot of side thoughts): I jot things down as I’m watching for these recaps, because, if you’ll recall, this is my life now and I’ve accepted it, and my note for above was simply: “WHY GOD. THANK YOU FOR BELLAMY’S BODY THO.”
This scene is maybe some of the bleakest and most horrifying I’ve seen on The 100, and that’s saying something, considering we’ve culled a shit ton of people, tortured some others, oh yeah, and have watched numerous medical procedures happen without any kind of numbing agent. This show’s tag line should be: horrify harder.
The decontamination process in Mount Weather is brutal. I mean, I figured it had to be, because of the whole “unclean air makes us break out in the plague” but seeing it happen, TO MY BABY BELLAMY, is awful. There’s things being shoved down his throat and in his veins, scrub brush showering, lots of screaming and wailing and he’s bleeding and I’m bleeding and everything is horrible. Also, there’s another guy (Grounder, I’m guessing?) who’s getting equal amounts of screen time here, maybe to give us a break from watching Bellamy and DYING INSIDE, and I’d feel so much worse for him IF I WASN’T DYING INSIDE FOR BELLAMY.
Cut to The Gryffindor common room, somewhere below the Gray Room of Awfulness in Mount Stepford, where Jasper and Maya sit together looking vaguely pained and still in need of some OxyClean.
Jasper: “Monty has been missing for two days. Monty is my brother, best friend, and lab partner and this is very distressing to me, if you couldn’t tell by my expression and the way my beautiful lips pout.”
Maya: “I know, Jasper. I know you’re worried and also that your lips are beautiful. I won’t point out that it was you who fought your fearless leader Clarke so heavily on leaving in the first place because you thought yourself a pirate and I was the booty you wanted to plunder. Turn that frown upside down, put on a happy face, and look for the silver lining. WHICH DOESN’T EXIST. No. Seriously. The walls have ears and they’re listening. This is Dystopia 101, here. I have to go do some things that’ll probably help and so help me God, try not to do anything stupid while I’m gone.”
“Try not to do anything stupid*,” she says, proving she has not been on this show long. Girlfriend, stupid is what we do here.
Jasper (as she leaves and her back hasn’t even disappeared from view): “Time to do something stupid.*”
See what I mean? Don’t take it too hard, Maya. Finn is dead and Murphy is off on a spiritual journey to Mecca City of Angels Light. We have a real need for a Wild Card. Our hope rests with Jasper.
Cut to the forest, because over half the set of The 100 is a forest, where Clarke is riding into battle with her new Grounder Posse. I hope they’ve somehow caught word about what happened to Bellamy and are saying fuck the acid fog and the high powered weapons of Mount Weather and are RIDING INTO BATTLE TO SAVE MY PRECIOUS.
……They’re not. Damn it, Clarke.
Somewhere above them, on a grassy knoll, Mountain Snipers crouch, doing the thing every Sniper in every TV show or movie does. Confirming they can make the shot and then NOT ACTUALLY TAKING THE SHOT. Listen, I’m glad Clarke didn’t get a cap popped in her cranium here, but TV/MOVIE SNIPERS. STOP TALKING ABOUT TAKING THE SHOT AND TAKE THE FUCKING SHOT.
The Mountain Sniper waits until Clarke dismounts and then shoots the Grounder next to her. Whatever. It all goes toward the kill count and he’s paid on commission. NEXT.
And here is Indra, her new protégé Octavia in tow. Indra obviously hasn’t just been teaching Octavia how to fight, judging by the wicked Grounder makeup O is sporting, and Octavia wastes no time SLICING SOME MOTHERFUCKING HAZMAT SUITS. Death by badassery and radiation poisoning. Never change, Octavia. You’re amazing just the way you are.
Clarke and the un-snipered Grounders show up, just as Indra is in the background getting her Mortal Kombat on and yelling at Octavia to “FINNISH HIIIIIM,” and immediately go into “No no we don’t kill people” mode. Actually, they want to keep him alive to Learn Things About the Enemy. For her part, Octavia only kinda snarls like a wild animal over her kill. I love you so much, Octavia.
Side note: horses, like humans, are clearly governed by the same sketchy science and only some of them are radiation fucked. Have we saw any since, like, the first season that have clearly been kissed by chemical death?
CUT BACK TO MY EVERY NIGHTMARE OF BELLAMY IN A CAGE. Still half-naked, though. Because the Lord giveth and taketh away. Sometimes all at once.
Things I learned from Tumblr before this episode aired: Bob Morley is apparently not comfortable with his being half-naked on screen and fans of the show were reminding each other of this and urging everyone not to be dicks and do things like tweet pictures of him sans pantalones. I love the fandom. Seriously. Geeks sometimes get a lot of bad press for being, well, geeks, because society loves nothing more than to find a group of people to smear, but some of the best, most considerate people I’ve ever met have been fandom geeks.
Bellamy is in a cage next to a Grounder Girl who apparently hasn’t heard that we’re being held hostage waiting for unspeakable horrors to be done unto us and immediately responds to Bellamy’s inquiries with spit in the eye. Classy girl, this one. I like her.
Bellamy: “Okay. Unneccesary. I take it no one has told you were not enemies anymore?”
Grounder Girl: “Believe it or not, the memo system in here sucks so no. Haven’t heard. I HAVE HEARD THAT I HATE YOUR EVER LOVING GUTS THOUGH, SKY ABOMINATION.”
Bellamy: “O Sacred Sky Tree (no really. We used to worship a tree in space and now it’s somewhere in the forest. No one knows where. That forest is, like, wicked huge and we just kinda wander around until something looks vaguely familiar.) I need to get out of this cage.”
Grounder Girl: “See? That’s that shit right there I’m talking about. Sky Abominations. If I wasn’t so severely dehydrated I’d spit on you again, Señor Obvious. I gotta get out of this cage, he says. Like it’s an optional side quest.”
Cut to Jasper, who barges into the not-evil-probably President’s office of Stupid Decisions.
Not-Evil-Probably President Wallace: “Can I help you with something, Young Beautiful Lipped Jasper? Really excited over you entering our gene pool, by the way. Those lips, man. Songs could be written about them. I’ve painted no less than a dozen portraits of them because painting is kinda my thing, if you didn’t know.”
Jasper: “I’ve heard. And I’ve also heard you’re a LYING LIAR WHO LIES AND THIS SHOW NEEDS A WILD CARD. ALLOW ME TO STEAL THIS CONVENIENTLY DISPLAYED SWORD AND THREATEN YOUR LYING ASS WITH IT. Man. I do stupid so well.”
Not-Evil-Probably President Wallace: “Jasper, plz. Put down the sword.
Having one in here seems like an oversight on my part and I regret that now. I also regret lying. Because, oh, man, did I lie. I lie about everything! Seriously it’d be easier to tell you what I haven’t lied about. My name. That’s it. That’s the only thing I haven’t lied about. I think. Fuck. I don’t know. But I know that you’re wrinkling my suit right now and honestly I’m really regretting this whole sword in the office thing.”
Calling it. Jasper is gonna die.
President Probably-Not-Evil flips the script and uses some sweet moves to steal the sword from Jasper, who is now at the wrong end of it. “This is not a toy,*” he says. “If anyone is gonna be a Wild Card on this show, it’ll be me, damn it.”
Then he plunges the sword in Jasper’s neck. Roll credits.
“Let’s take a walk to find your friends,*” President Probably-Not-Evil tells him. Jasper looks as confused as I feel. Together we start a petition to rename the show 100 Plot Twists.
Cut to Camp Jaha. RAVEN IS BACK YAY RAVEN I’M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU BACK. YOU’RE ALL SIMMERING ANGER AND SNARLY COMMENTS NOW AND I RESPECT THAT I’VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH WHERE WERE YOU LAST EPISODE?
We’re discussing the Mountain Sniper and what we should do with him, he’s kinda dying, should we do something, let’s get six more people over here to discuss it, I don’t know what do you think, Raven it’s a general whiz kid she’s gonna fix us up an airtight container I guess? We should probably put some blood in him? We could type him. We should probably type him. I mean, I’m sure someone here has O blood but let’s just type him to be sure.
Enter a Random Grounder:
Me: “Oh. Hey. Grounder with a beard and head tattoos? Is this Grounder Opie?”
Betty: “…no? I think it’s another Grounder with a beard and head tattoos.”
Me: “Huh. Wow. They still all look the same to me.”
Indra: “Back up, Sky Dicks. I’ll make this motherfucking Mountain Scum sing like a canary.”
Abby: “WE DON’T DO THAT UNLESS I ORDER IT. Seriously. I AM THE DAMNED LEADER AROUND HERE WHY IS EVERYONE FORGETTING THAT?”
Indra: “I WILL GUT HIM LIKE A FISH I AM FULL OF KILL-Y THOUGHTS ALWAYS.”
Clarke: “Indra, I respect your rage and kill-y thoughts and hate agreeing with my mother more than anything because I’m still totally pissed she floated my dad, but we definitely tried to torture info out of someone once and totally didn’t work. You might have heard of him? Lincoln? It ended up okay though because he totes forgave us and then started boning Octavia. Unless we have anyone willing to bone –? No? Okay. Yeah. No torture.”
Abby is still trying so hard to mother her child and Clarke is having absolutely none of it. “I AM A GROWN WOMAN, MOTHER. I KILL THINGS NOW, OKAY? GET OFF MY BACK. *flounce*”
CUT BACK TO BELLAMY, WHOSE SITUATION IS UNCHANGED AND IT STILL HURTS SO HARD.
Mountain Soldiers come in to do Mountain Soldier-y things and Bellamy, being himself, fights them through a cage and THEY TASE HIM IN THE PENIS. I hate all of you. I wish for all of your deaths.
OH GOD AND NOW THEY ARE STRINGING HIM UP. TO BE DRAINED. Lincoln, I don’t know where you are but I motherfucking hate you right now. You are temporarily dead to me.
Cut to literally below the room of THE WORST THINGS EVER, where Maya is searching the hospital room for — something. Something I don’t care about because my baby Bellamy is above her being drained of his precious blood. MAYA. DO SOMETHING.
If she doesn’t get her mierda together and save him, she’s dead to me too.
BASICALLY ANYONE WHO FAILS BELLAMY IS DEAD TO ME.
Maya must have heard my screeching because she goes up to the Attic of Stolen Blood and spots Bellamy. And then she tries to talk to him? Ask a few questions? Inquire about his day? Bellamy just gives her this look like, “It’s really nice to meet you, you must be Maya, heard a lot about you, I’d be happy to talk the weather if you get me down because seriously. Kinda being drained of all my blood here.”
And here comes this Sargeant Someone, because things can’t happen nicely on this show, we have to keep raising the tension and my heart rate. Don’t even fuck around, y’all. Just stab him. Everyone is dead to me.
OH MAYA IS PRETENDING BELLAMY IS DEAD. MAYA. YOU’RE NO LONGER DEAD TO ME.
Bellamy is up kicking that ass and Lovejoy, the Mountain Sargeant has a gun and MAYA JUST – you know what? There’s entirely too much happening right now but Maya now has the gun and Spitting Grounder Girl is attacking through a cage. Listen, my ship hasn’t sailed yet but this show does not pull back on the action which is almost as good in my book.
Through all of this, Bellamy remains half-naked, including when he strangles the hell out of Lovejoy. Something that most definitely should not turn me on AND YET.
Bellamy steals Lovejoy’s uniform to pose as a Mountain Soldier. The part of me relieved that we’re busting out of this Death Room is overshadowed by the part wailing because I don’t know when we’ll see him half-naked again. THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES, BELLAMY. I’LL CARRY THEM IN MY HEART ALWAYS.
Cut to Camp Jaha, where nobody seems to realize they’re, you know, missing the Jaha part of their camp. Abby, wearing her Top Notch Concerned Mother Face, is parenting pretty hard in Kane’s direction. Sit and take it, Kane. She’s got a lot of mothering to give and Clarke is pretty busy being a badass leader who NO ONE UNDERSTANDS OKAY.
Sidenote: I’ve noticed, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve slowly started relating more with the fictional parents. Coming over all, “listen, I know you think you’re grown but you just met this boy and we have curfews around here for a reason, young lady.” Except here. Here I find myself rolling my eyes at Abby. “IF I RECALL SOMEONE SENT HER DOWN TO EARTH IN THE FIRST PLACE MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET OFF HER BACK.” So that’s nice. Not as old as I could be.
Actually, come to think of it, Clarke being a badass leader might be at least half of Abby’s long-sighs-and-many-stink-faces problem. “Grounders look at her as our leader,” she snarls at Kane. Out of concern. This is concerned parenting snarling happening right now. Like when your dad yells at you to GET BACK IN THE HOUSE, OKAY. JUST GO INSIDE AND LET ME FIGURE OUT WHAT THE WEIRD NOISE WAS I’M YELLING AT YOU OUT OF CONCERN FOR YOUR SAFETY. Kane slips on his Chill Diplomat expression as she continues. “THEY ALL THINK SHE’S THE LEADER AND I AM ACTUALLY THE LEADER AND I’M A LITTLE PISSED ABOUT THE CONFUSION BECAUSE I WORKED REALLY, REALLY HARD NOT GETTING DEAD FOR THIS ROLE. AND ALSO YOU LITERALLY JUST HANDED IT OVER IN THAT ONE EPISODE WHICH WAS PRETTY SHOCKING FOR ALL OF US. I EARNED THIS.”
Back to Mount Weather and the Room of Dead Guards and General Awfulness. Maya is dropping some heavy truths in the form of: “Bellamy, your people are disappearing.*” Bellamy might be suffering from anemia right now, or whatever other medical conditions come from blood loss, but his Damn It All face is on point.
He goes to Grounder Girl’s cage and reassures her that he’ll come back for her. They then take part in Eye Communication that makes me uncomfortable because seriously, people. We have a ship to build. Stop losing focus.
Cut to a Secret Medical Room where Doctor Death is ONCE AGAIN DRILLING INTO HARPER’S SPINE. OH GOD, HARPER. It’s nice to see you still among the living, by the way. BUT OH GOD THIS IS HORRENDOUS.
And here’s the president busting in on the macabre party. “LET THAT CHILD GO. ALSO THAT CHILD IN THE CAGE. SERIOUSLY I LOOK AWAY FOR TWO SECONDS AND YOU FUCK EVERYTHING UP. YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, YOUNG LADY. YOU’VE LOST YOUR SCALPEL PRIVILEGES FOR A WEEK.”
Monty and Jasper are finally reunited and hugging enthusiastically. Science Bros 4lyf.
I’m calling it now, though. President Probably-Not-Evil is either gonna be actually evil or will die.
HE’S RELEASING THEM? ALL OF THE 47? OH YEAH. SOMETHING FUCKED UP IS GONNA HAPPEN FOR SURE BECAUSE THIS IS ENTIRELY TOO EASY. It says something about this show when this is easy.
Cut to Kane trying to be a chill diplomat again and talk to Mountain Sniper. Mountain Sniper is having none of it and is responding to everything with, “Carl Emerson, Mount Weather Security Detail.”
Oh, wait. There’s a peek at the old Kane as he’s ready to torture the everloving shit out of this guy because he is done being disrespected. Old habits do die hard, y’all.
Abby shows up in time to stop him, because, honestly? Honestly, you guys? Is everyone forgetting I’m the one actually in charge here? Kane is back in full penis mode all, “I DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR TITLE, ABBY. I AM A CHILL DIPLOMAT NOW WHO IS SOMETIMES COOL WITH TORTURE. I’M COMPLEX. AND WHEN BITCHES LIKE CARL EMERSON, MOUNT WEATHER SECURITY DETAIL THROW SOME SERIOUS SHADE MY WAY, I WILL TORTURE THE HELL OUT OF THEM.”
Back to Mount Weather and some dramatic tension with this maybe teacher in the elevator with Bellamy and Maya. Maya literally just got done lecturing us that Bellamy absolutely cannot be not recognized. Or Bad Things will happen. How bad? Well, we do have a Death Room and are breeding Reapers so you tell me. We seem to be dodging the Teacher Not Recognizing Him situation when more people enter the elevator. Fuck, Maya. There weren’t some stairs we could take or something? I understand elevators are convenient but come on. This seems unnecessarily risky here.
Cut to the gaming room or maybe a security one, I don’t know, there are a lot of computer screens, where President Junior is talking at an IT guy. President Daddy comes bursting in and wastes no time telling Junior he doesn’t believe a word out of Junior’s mouth and he knows that Junior knew about Project Sky Kid Experiments and you are so going to the naughty step, young man.
Calling it. This is where Probably-Not-Evil President dies.
BECAUSE JUNIOR HAS THE GUARD ON HIS SIDE? HOLY SHIT. MAN. I’M GOOD.
THEY ARE LOCKING PROBABLY-NOT-EVIL PRESIDENT UP. IT WAS A COUP. A QUIET COUP. MUUUUTINY!
Side note: Is it just me or does it seem like characters with cleft lips are always the seedy ones? That — that’s uncomfortably ableist.
Maybe ableist? Is that the right term? Whatever it is, I’m uncomfortable now that I’ve noticed it. “HIS FACE IS DIFFERENT. HE’S EVIIIIIIL!” Ew. No. Don’t do that. That’s gross. Stop it.
Cut to Camp Jaha. Raven hasn’t been around much in this episode, but she’s here now monitoring the radio and I’m grateful to see her. Always love you the hardest, Ray.
Octavia comes in, asking about Bellamy, but probably to really show that she’s even greasier than before because this girl commits dammit.
Raven is still not greasy because she’s perfect and literally repels grease and dirt. Such things are for lesser mortals, thank you very much.
Clarke talking at the room at large, reminding everyone the Sky People were genetically engineered, and Mount Weather wasn’t. But wait. Were they genetically engineered or exposed to solar radiation? Is that the same thing? Science People, please explain.
Kane is here to squash any killing plans because he might be down with a little torture but “Whoa. Whoa, guys. Killing is definitely not chill.”
(I feel like I’m missing a bunch of plot points here, thanks to having to go back and redo this after WP ate it.)
Clarke and Mama Abby are having a power struggle. LOOKS LIKE WE’RE STILL FOLLOWING A THEME HERE AND THAT THEME IS STILL “WE’RE ALL THE SAME PERSON AND THAT PERSON IS AWFUL.”
Over to Mount Weather where Bellamy and Maya are sneaking through the halls to get to the Sky People Dorm. Bellamy sees the son of the man he literally just got done choking the shit out of, which leads him to the shocking realization of, “holy shit these are people. Like actual people who start out as kids and shit. Man. This has got me straight twisted, I was ready to kill all of them without hesitation.”
Cut to the Sky People Dorm, where Jasper has returned with Monty and Harper as visual proof they were totally right in finally thinking fucked up things were going down. giving a speech. “But it’s fine, y’all! I threatened Probably-Not-Evil President with a sword and he threatened me back and now we’re bros and he’s letting us go!”
Oh, honey. No he’s not. I told you that was happening too easily. Y’all are gonna be crushed when you find out.
BELLAMY GOT TO RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DORM ROOM DOOR WHEN SIRENS STARTED BLARING AND THE DORM DOOR SHUT AND MOTHERFUCKERS. WE ARE ON LOCK DOWN. WE WERE SO CLOSE TO ONE OF THE GREATEST REUNIONS EVER AND THEN WENT ON LOCK DOWN INCHES FROM IT.
Jasper spots Bellamy through the door’s window and they’re giving each other sad eyes and this is the worst kind of angst.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TIME LEFT IN THIS EPISODE FOR EVERYTHING TO BE OKAY.
Cut to the Radio Room, Camp Jaha. Raven is here to remind Clarke, once again, that she killed Finn. “I didn’t give up. I’m here monitoring this radio, standing literally in your murdering shadow, so you don’t get to give up either.” Raven motivational speeches the best.
Bellamy’s voice breaks through their stare-off on the radio like the voice of an angel. Clarke immediately snatches that shit up. That’s the spirit. We might be separated, y’all, and shit is getting so real, but absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Bellamy gives Clarke the lowdown and then tells her, “figure out something quick. That doesn’t kill absolutely everyone in here because I just had an epiphany in the hallway and we definitely cannot kill everyone.” Clarke agrees, because she is an Idea Machine, and then, AND THEN:
Cut to President Probably-Not-Evil in quarantine or jail, in Mount Weather, they all look the same, with his easel of sadness being set up in the corner. A haunting, ominous, but deceptively upbeat song wails in the background. We’re about to montage the fuck out of some things.
Over to the Sky People, Upbeat but Haunting Song still jamming, as they stare with mixed emotions at the steel door to their room. Nathan Miller doing so very attractively. Sup, Nathan. If I haven’t told you before, I like your face.
Cut to Grounders and Clarke fulfilling my every crew dream as they storm down the hall, slowly but in sync. They’re here to Do Things and look badass and they don’t see anything to do.
Just kidding. They’re dragging the Mountain Sniper out of his airlock cell.
And promptly run into Abby, Kane, and Crew when they bring him, suited up, to the gates of Camp Jaha. I smell a show down between Mama Abby and Clarke!
I WAS RIGHT.
Abby: “GO TO YOUR ROOM I AM IN CHARGE, CLARKE MIDDLE NAME LAST NAME.”
Clarke: “ExcuUuUuUuUuUse me? You might be the chancellor but, bitch, THESE GROUNDERS LISTEN TO ME NOT YOU SO I AM IN MOTHERFUCKING CHARGE.”
Abby: “You are being SUCH a penis right now!”
Clarke: “I LEARNED FORM YOU MOTHER! I LEARNED FROM YOU!!!!”
Kane leans over to Abby, grimacing, and gives it the old chill diplomat try. “Listen. Listen. No, I know. You’re totally, totally the leader. But they think she’s the leader. And you can never have too many leaders. Okay. Well, you can. So many wars have started over that. I’m new at this. But maybe back down because she’s got, like, all the Grounders on her side and they will gut us. So hard.”
Abby eyes the Grounder weaponry, Clarke’s fierce battle face, and steps aside because she’s not totally unreasonable and, man, those Grounders do have some sharp swords.
Clarke wipes the smug victory look off her face long enough to turn to Mountain Sniper. “IF WE BURN YOU BURN WITH US.”
Mountain Sniper: “Uh. Pretty sure that was Katniss’ line from Mockingjay..?”
Clarke: “Was it? Damn. Fine. TELL THEM WE’RE COMING. Oh. And for your insolence, I’m draining your oxygen tank from eight hours to six. HAVE FUN. WALK FAST.”
Our closing dialogue includes: “Bellamy is the key to everything.” LIKE YOUR HEART, CLARKE? IS HE THE KEY TO YOUR HEART. HE’S THE KEY TO MINE. Oh man I hope next week’s episode includes a sweet, sweet reunion.
…….Just saw the preview for it. It includes missles and Lexa declaring shit happens, people die, life sucks. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED.