Previously on BELLAMY IS THE REASON FACES EXIST:
I planned on talking about things before I got to the not-really-but-kinda-recap, but the ending has broken my brain, so we’re just going to jump right in. As always, spoilers under the cut. Turn back now if you’re looking to avoid such things.
Disclaimer: All stills belong to the CW. I’m merely borrowing them for this recap. And making absolutely no money off of it. Unless you’re looking to pay me, CW. That’d be nice. Call me.
Or: HOW EVERYTHING WENT AWFULLY, HORRIBLY WRONG.
There was maybe 30 seconds of the beginning that was lost between Betty’s recording of Arrow and my recording of The 100. That doesn’t sound like a lot under normal circumstances, but literally shit goes so wrong in a span of 10 seconds on this show. That’s three possible “No How Did This Happen How Did We Get Here” moments I potentially missed.
Bellamy and Lincoln are off to Mount Weather and ripping organs and such out of the deer they come across in the woods. Not really sure what’s happening at the moment, but Lincoln is covering himself in blood and there’s a shameful, though large, part of me a little turned on by this.
I’ve never claimed to be a healthy person, y’all. Never not once.
Oh. ..Lincoln is disguising himself as a Reaper. He’s basically grabbing random things off the forest floor and smearing them all over his face because Reapers are apparently resourceful with their Deathpaint.
I like these reminders that Bellamy is a learned man. He’s over here filling in Lincoln’s story with mythology talk. Could you get anymore perfect? Never change, Bellamy. Never ever change.
Now they’re bonding over Octavia. This hike through the woods has a little of everything. Also this would be awkward if it wasn’t so painfully adorable.
Oh my God. And potentially awful. Adorable things don’t get to happen on this show without EVERYTHING BREAKING.
Bellamy: “But tell me, my good Grounder man I once horrifically tortured and forbade my sister to see, why were you so intent on sailing this ship with my baby sister before it was sailable? Aside from the fact us Blakes have such wicked attractive genes. If that’s your entire reason, I wouldn’t blame you even a little.”
Lincoln: “I once found a Sky Man. Had to kill him, couldn’t be helped. Dad ordered it, you know how it is. Regretted it a bit. I mean, the dude was tore up from the floor up, and maybe I could have counted it as a mercy killing but they were trying to make me a monster. This is me paying for my homicidal ways. Also star-crossed lovers really needed to happen on this show, especially since that other one got canceled. There’s a petition to bring it back, though. We should sign it if we make it through this alive and unReapered.”
(Side note: Suicide by earth was apparently a thing on the Ark. In dropships? There was just — enough dropships at one time that people took them and used them to –? Man. Watch that plot hole, y’all. You could twist an ankle in it.)
They’re now discussing their plans to get into Mount Weather and while I feel like maybe this should have been nailed down before they set off, I appreciate the opportunity to witness these pained looks on Lincoln’s face. I’m a sucker for a damaged character.
Cut to Indra coming into Camp Jaha with her Grounder posse, packing heavy. Out of the way, Sky People. We’re here to fuck some shit up and look fierce doing it.
Kane is trying so hard to be a diplomat but some of us haven’t forgotten his glee over floating literally anyone who moved too fast.
(Also who remembers his girlfriend from season one? She was in, like, two episodes and never heard from again? Kane, I have some questions I’d like you to answer immediately.)
Kane: “Jaha I recognize you’re still in jail and probably a little pissy about that, but, it’s earth! We’re doing things different now! I mean, you’re a mystical black man, Abby’s kinda a penis when you give her even a semblance of power. Kids are running around with guns and doing way more plot shit than the adults. For God’s sake, Clarke killed a corner of her love triangle off! And me? I’m incredibly chill now with blind, misplaced faith. And because of that, I’ve convinced Abby to let you out of jail, despite you having every reason to be bitter about your incarceration and potentially do something stupid over it. New setting, new us, man!”
The Grounders and the Sky People are training together to take on the Mountain Men but I’m a little confused as to who’s training who? This feels like an excuse to have muddy fight sequences. Which I’m not mad at, for the record. If this is what happens, I will absolutely support it.
He’s obnoxiously chill, like a sober Matthew McConaughey who keeps his shirt on, but Kane does give some great speeches: “It’s true that we don’t have a lot in common. You all are basically savages and we’re civilized and this is no way in all a repeat of Native American history and will probably end so badly. But we hate the same people and you know what? The people who hate together stay together.”
Murphy is over in the corner, snarking back and forth with a Grounder, mostly because with Finn dead and Bellamy off male bonding in the woods with Lincoln, there’s an opening for a Wild Card. Murphy is willing to fill that role. His character is kinda hanging in the balance with unclear direction. He will be your Wild Card, Camp Jaha. He will do this for you.
And this escalated quickly. They’re throwing blows now, which leads into literally everyone fighting everyone, like, I’m pretty sure Grounders are fighting fellow Grounders even, no one knows we’re just beating the hell out of anything with a pulse, and Jaha is looking at Kane like, “Told you this shit ain’t gonna work. I found a metaphor then crashed in the desert and met a family who turned on me and I know things now.”
All that happened before the title credits. See what I mean about how you can’t miss even a second on this show?
Cut to a War Room in some undisclosed location: Lexa and her people discuss attack plans with literally only Clarke. That’s it. There’s no other Sky People here having this very important conversation except for Clarke. Clarke is literally shoving this plot forward by her damn self at this point.
There is a lot of girl power that happens on this show, which is the shit I do like. The Grounder leaders have been female. Clarke led the 100. Abby is Chancellor now. Octavia and Raven are the baddest badasses that ever did badass. Even the head of the guard is a female. Also Lexa can shut her people down with a single look, which is a move I’ve spent my whole life perfecting. Other shows, take note. More females doing things.
Grounder Guy Whose Name Is Unclear At This Point: “You are the enemy.”
Clarke: “I’m sorry, Dude Whose Name I Haven’t Bothered Learning Because I Only Talk to People In The Credits. Have I done something to offend you?”
Dude Whose Name Clarke Hasn’t Bothered Learning Because She Only Talks to People In The Credits: “Uh. Yeah. Yeah you have. Let’s talk about that. Let’s talk about every single instance our two groups killed each other and figure out where I could possibly have an issue with you in my presence right now. AND LET’S START WITH THE FACT YOU BURNED MY BROTHER *Johnny Cash starts up in the background* IN A RING OF FIRE.”
I mean. He has a point. You did do that, Clarke. That was definitely a thing that did happen. I can see where this would cause some mixed feelings.
The Grounder, whose name is Quin and Lexa SHUT DOWN WITH A LOOK, is also skeptical about Clarke’s Mount Weather plan, which is basically Bellamy and Lincoln getting into the facility and doing some shit. I’m not entirely sure what shit they’re gonna do when they get in there, but they will do some shit and the hope of everything depends on them doing it. Quin is like, “Let’s open some motherfucking doors and air-blister some mountain bastards” which, arguably, is a great plan. But Clarke is like, “No no. Let’s not. Let’s depend on Bellamy and Lincoln doing some things.” While I’m kinda siding with Quin here, I do like to see Clarke’s faith in Bellamy because I’m still shipping this like FedEx.
“Waiting for Bellamy is not a plan. It’s a prayer that may not be answered.” YOU TAKE IT BACK, LEXA. YOU TAKE IT BACK. THAT FEELS TOO MUCH LIKE FORESHADOWING.
And cut back to our Obi-Wans in the forest, where Lincoln is talking about his time as a Reaper with that haunted look on his face. Don’t bother tragic backstorying, Other Characters. Lincoln is here to tragic story the best.
And back to another area of the forest, where Clarke is out woo-sahing the harsh buzz that Quin and Lexa created with their criticism. But oh! Quin is there, and still pissy over the fact that Clarke barbecued his brother and is brave while standing next to Lexa. This is actually some killer social commentary right here, whether they intended it to be or not.
And over to Kane who is literally just throwing out whatever tired idiom he can come up with as a part of his new chill diplomat role. “Whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. One in the hand, two in the bush. Any of the resonating with you at all? Don’t worry. I’ve started keeping a journal with chill leadership quotes. I have more.”
Octavia wants to train but Indra, still angry and fabulous in it, is having none of that. Indra, I don’t think you realize what happens when people tell Octavia no. Talk to Bellamy. He can tell you some stories.
BACK TO THE FOREST OF NOT-BELLAMY-AND-LINCOLN AND OH MY GOD BYRNE, THE FEMALE GUARD LEADER, IS MISSING A GOT DANG ARM. RUN, CLARKE, RUN.
And we’ve cut to Earth Jail where Jaha is still hanging out for some reason and Murphy is throwing shade because he was put on janitor duties for trying to be a Wild Card. Jaha is laying the sympathy on thick. Is Jaha and Murphy gonna team up for mutiny?
No. Jaha wants Murphy to take him to Wells’ grave to say good-bye. And he’s giving him a gun? Jaha, I don’t think you know what you’re doing. Murphy is auditioning for the role of Wild Card and last time we gave an untrained Wild Card a gun, he slaughtered a village.
Back to training, where the Sky People are working on their target practice. Kane steps up to show these novices how it’s done. Which begs the question – how did Kane learn to shoot in space? Why were their guns in space? This was an opportunity to do things different but rather than, I don’t know, doing away with guns, they chose to float people over the slightest infraction and keep the guns. Seems solid.
ARE WE REALLY GOING TO GIVE GROUNDERS GUNS? KANE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? LISTEN. Y’ALL MAY HAVE A COMMON ENEMY AND SHIT BUT THEY STILL KINDA HATE YOU. Make better fucking choices, Space Matthew McConaughey.
Indra steps up like a mom who is Not Having Your Shit, Son, and snaps at the Grounder ready to take the weapon, then turns on Kane all, “bitch, I do not support the NRA, never did, I voted for stricter gun laws, so keep your damn death sticks to yourselves.”
Octavia: “It’s true. They hate the NRA. Also they believe if they pick up a gun, they’ll all kill each other. They like to keep their kills personal. You know, with poisoned swords and arrows and what have you. Like God intended.”
Kane’s got that “I’m gonna be a penis” look in his eye, as he remarks to a guy standing next to him, “We don’t know anything about these people.” He says it with the air of a man shocked he might actually have to know things about the people he’s trying to use as weapons.
Cut to the woods of lost arms, WITH LEXA TO THE RESCUE. Quin, Mama is gonna send you to the naughty step permanently for your woman terrorizing ways.
“PAUNA,” Lexa whispers in a horrified voice as the brush shakes menacingly at them. Man. This does not sound good. This sounds like a panic attack. Is that what Pauna means? Panic attack? Also they’re leaving Quin behind because you ain’t gotta be the fastest, just faster than the slowest.
THEY HAVE STUMBLED ON A FEEDING GROUND AND IT LOOKS LIKE A ZOO AND I HAVE A LOT OF ANXIETY WHAT IS THIS OH SWEET JESUS.
……It’s a gorilla?
IT’S A GORILLA. A HORRIBLE, ANGRY, CGI GORILLA.
THAT’S IMPERVIOUS TO BULLETS. IT’S A CGI SUPER GORILLA.
On any other show, this would be the moment it jumped the shark. But normal rules do not apply on The 100. CGI SUPER GORILLAS IMPERVIOUS TO BULLETS? I BUY IT.
Clarke just saved Lexa from the CGI Super Gorilla. They’re gonna love each other forever now.
And we’ve cut to Murphy and Jaha, a ragtag team of misfits, trekking through yet another section of the forest.
Jaha: “I remember your dad, Murphy. Nice guy. Stole medicine to look after you. Naturally I killed him but the important thing is that I remember all of those I murdered. Which is either the mark of a good leader forced into making some hard decisions or a sociopath. One of the two. Jury is out.”
Over to Bellamy and Lincoln, my two favorite guys ever, WHO ARE DRAWING OUT THIS SUICIDE MISSION FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN TO CAUSE ME STRESS.
I just checked and I’m only thirty minutes in. There’s entirely too much time for shit to get fucked up beyond all repair.
Over to Murphy, about to lay some shit down on Jaha. “It’s your fault everyone is dead. Glad you found your metaphor and crashed in the desert which changed you as a person but honestly you are kinda awful and you made awful choices and it’s your fault your kid and everyone else is dead. How’s that for Kumbaya? We gonna be making S’mores on this trip, Murderer?”
Jaha is handling being told he’s a murdering murderder who murders awfully well, which is honestly both a point for the Good Leader column and the Sociopath one. I’m kinda hoping this ends with him taking on Murphy as his informally adopted, angry son. Like a reverse Diff’rent Strokes. But with more anger.
Octavia challenged Indra because you ain’t holding a badass bitch down. “I have braids in my greasy hair and I saved your shit at the beginning of the season. Do not deny me the opportunity to kick some ass like the righteous hellraiser I am.”
Indra calls in another Grounder, all, “Lay her the fuck out but make it quick, I’m hungry, we got some shit to kill so I can eat.”
Kane to a Sky Person who was ready to intervene: “Let it go.”
Me: *Looks at Betty*
Betty: “Don’t even think about it.”
Too late, Betty.
Octavia is kinda getting her ass beat by this Grounder but, damn, she looks kickass doing it.
Somewhere in the distance, “Tubthumping” starts playing as she’s getting knocked down for the twentieth time but gets right back on her feet with the fiercest game face I’ve ever seen. Oh, Octavia. I knew I was right when I said I expected great things from you.
No seriously she is getting the shit kicked out of her but KEEPS COMING BAC– oh. Oh, God, that swift kick to the rib-area looked painful. She’s not getting up. Guys? She is not getting back up. Shit. Shit, okay. No, it’s cool, O. Just — just lay in the mud for awhile and make weird grunty noises. There’s no shame in it. You can pull it off.
Over to Clarke patching up Lexa. I can almost hear the hurt/comfort fic springing into being. I MAY EVEN WRITE IT MYSELF. I DON’T KNOW.
Lexa, don’t give advice anymore. It’s horrible. Your advice is horrible. Everything is weakness to you and Bellamy is trying to break into Mount Weather right now because you can’t keep your mouth shut and Clarke takes everything you say as the gospel.
“When I die, my spirit will find the next Commander.” On second thought, keep talkin’, Lexa. I like this idea of you never really dying and just moving from body to body giving your fierce looks. In your next incarnation, maybe stop with the advice though.
GORILLA IS BACK. OF COURSE IT IS.
This gorilla is both ridiculous and the best thing that’s ever happened to this show. I vote they trap it and figure out how to train it as a pet.
Speaking of best things, I miss Raven. 😦 Raven, baby, where are you? I’ve gone almost an entire episode without gazing upon your badassery. Come back to me.
Octavia is being patched up in the hospital by an extra I don’t know if we’ve ever met before. Also let’s take a moment to appreciate all the vital pieces of the Ark made it to earth. Man, that’s lucky. Isn’t that lucky? So lucky one might call it convenient as shit.
Indra has come to visit Octavia with an offer to train her. NEW BROTP. This show is giving me things I never knew I wanted.
“First lesson, never question me.” I like the way Indra trains already. SHE’S HAVING NONE OF YOUR SHIT, LITERALLY ANYONE.
It’s unfair that even with her face torn up, Octavia is still gorgeous. How hard is it being one of the beautiful people, O? Tell us about your struggles. Mostly because I want you to stay on screen and run the clock down so bad things can’t happen without time to resolve them.
Over to the dropship where Jaha and Murphy are spending the night and Murphy is being the kind of cynical that keeps people alive.
Jaha will not be deterred. He’s now preaching the good word of the City of Light and trying to recruit Murphy as a disciple. MAN. CAN’T WAIT FOR THIS STORY LINE.
And we’re in hell or the underground or whatever Lincoln called it and he looks very fierce and honestly there is too much and not enough time all at once. If this goes horribly wrong, I RIOT.
Oh God oh God they’ve come across the Reapers oh God. Oh, sweet Jesus, so much stress. I’m not emotionally equipped to handle this show even a little bit.
Wait these Reapers are talking? I didn’t think they could talk? Remember when we met Lincoln again after he’d been turned and he was incapable of anything but bloodlust and weird noises? Or are these Grounders? But no. They’re here for the drug. They capture people for the drug. Lincoln expositioned this at us earlier. So these are definitely talking Reapers.
Watch your step, y’all.
Well, wait. Now that I think about it, there are functioning addicts in real life, who are able to balance their addiction and day-to-day. They’re no less addicted than, say, that homeless guy who panhandles for his drug money, they’re just made up different for whatever reason. (There are actually a lot of reasons and some science behind it, but you get where I’m going with this.) Maybe these Reapers are functioning addicts and Lincoln wasn’t? Maybe it was pointing at him being that monster the ground had been attempting to make him?
Okay. Maybe watch your step, y’all.
The other Reapers are blindfolding Bellamy and ignoring the weird, silent communication between him and Lincoln, which is polite of them. This is like a weird trust exercise.
Back to Camp Jaha because we love cutting away during critical scenes. I kinda want someone to stab Kane because his serenity is starting to annoy me.
Him and Octavia are breaking wild boar together and he notes she’s earned the respect of the Grounders. Then he casually brings up her being his eyes and ears, to which Octavia is like, “So, you want me to spy?” Kane’s immediately all, “What? No. I need you to look out for your people, Octavia. Not spy. Spy is such an ugly word. You’re just gonna watch and listen to their every move and report back to me. Which sounds like spying but is entirely more noble. Alright alright alright?”
Over to the dropship the next morning and JAHA LITERALLY HAS A CHURCH. AND THEY SHOWED UP AT THE DROPSHIP TO GO ON A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY TO MECCA THE LIGHT CITY WITH HIM. Man, when I said I couldn’t wait for this story line, I was not anticipating for it to happen this quickly.
“Take this leap of faith with me, John Murphy.” MURPHY. NO. YOU CAN’T LEAVE. YOU COMMITTED TO BEING THE WILD CARD. You’re going. Of course you are. Dammit, Murphy. This is why no one depends on you.
Back to Lexa and Clarke. This gorilla has gotten a lot of air time. We could be at Mount Weather checking on my BBs and causing me more unnecessary panic.
Also I didn’t even know CGI Super Gorillas were an option yet here we are. Making the most of it.
The plan for Bellamy and Lincoln has changed unexpectedly and Clarke is like, “I trust them to do this thing,” YET NO ONE HAS TOLD THEM THE CHANGE OF PLANS. Clarke, there’s such a thing as too much faith and you’re there, homegirl.
BELLAMY SHIRTLESS AND IN HIS UNDERWEAR. I should be panicking right now because he’s knelt down in front of the Mountain Men and this has the potential to go so wrong, bUT THE LORD IS GOOD. HE HAS GIVEN US A GIFT AND WE SHOULD PRAISE HIM FOR IT.
Dramatic tension as Lincoln is offered the drug that he got addicted to and turned him into a Reaper. Lincoln, get your mierda together, son, you won’t be allowed to have a beard again because you are a main character and this is the CW. We also have that kinda pressing task of a mountain to finish infiltrating and HE’S ACCEPTED A HIT EVERYONE IS FUCKED THIS IS ALL FUCKED LINCOLN GOT DAMN IT I DEPENDED ON YOU, WE ALL DEPENDED ON YOU, OH MY BABY BELLAMY NO GOD NO. THEY ARE TAKING HIM AWAY, LINCOLN. LINCOLN. LINCOLN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, YOU’VE RUINED US ALL.
THE PREVIEW FOR NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOO. NOBODY LOOK AT ME NOBODY TOUCH ME LEAVE ME HERE TO DROWN AND DIE IN MY FEELINGS. WHY GOD, WHY BELLAMY.