So, I didn’t plan on not-really-but-kinda recapping every new episode every week but maybe this is what’s gonna happen now? Honestly, this just ran longer than I anticipated. I may or may not keep this up.
Anyway! Man, do I feel awful for anyone who had to wait a significant amount of time for The 100 to come off of mid-season break. Judging by Betty’s reactions, who watches his shows in real time like this isn’t 2015 and Netflix isn’t a thing, this is a very traumatic process. Which I understand because you should see me in the wait between books. I waited two weeks (? Maybe?) between my binge and the new episode and it was nearly unbearable.
So much fanfiction, though. Thank you, fanfiction writers. You all got me through some dark, empty times. You’re doing the Lord’s work. Don’t let anyone ever tell you any different.
If you’re just joining us (is anyone joining us? I’m geeking by myself, aren’t I? It’s — basically what I always do, honestly), you can catch the first part of my weird not-really-recap here. As always, if you haven’t watched and/or hate spoilers, abandon post, all ye who tread here. It’s spoiler heavy below the cut.
RETURN OF THE 100.
Man, I’m excite. This is like Christmas. This is like New Episode of Who Christmas. Okay. Maybe not. But it’s exciting AF. I didn’t mean to love this show so much. (Cue Cory Chisel chiming in with: “but it’s too late noooow.”)
Sometimes shows play a clip on their PREVIOUSLY ON from many moons ago and you know, you know, some fucked up shit is about to go down.
They’re opening with a replay of Finn’s death. If I admit to how happy this makes me, will I sound like an awful person? HATE YOU SO MUCH, FINN. NOT AS SORRY AS I PROBABLY SHOULD BE THAT YOU’RE DEAD.
Clarke still has blood coating her hands and is freaking out while she scrubs them viciously. I’m concerned about her fingers, honestly. Clarke, you keep this up and it’s gonna be your blood mixing with Finn’s. You’re at about a nine right now on the Losing Your Shit scale. Gonna have to ask you to dial it back to about a six.
I kinda want a scene where someone like Clarke, someone so previously pure, has to do something fucked up like kill a corner of their love triangle off. Then they just calmly wash the blood off like a G after. “Mama, just killed a man.”
I kinda wrote this scene in Losing Streak. That’s how much I’ve always wanted to see it. /shameless plug. That was disgusting. Look at me being disgusting. God. Next I’m gonna be like, “HAHA BUY MY BOOK.” I’d never do that. Pay no mind to this sign I’m hiding behind my back.
I’ve read a lot of fanfiction about this moment on the show, for the record. BELLAMY. WHERE ARE YOU. YOU’RE NEEDED HERE.
Abby and Kane show up instead. Go away, guys. This is a job for Bellamy. Seriously. I’ve read the fanfiction. This is our moment.
(Things I learned from reading the fanfiction: Bellarke is the name of this ship. I love fandom.)
(Fun fact: I like adding “the” in front of things. Because I’m a broken woman who has a broken sense of humor and adding “the” will never not be funny to me.)
The Commander, Lexa, is obviously a fan of Game of Thrones judging by this monstrosity she’s sitting on.
Idrna (? This is gonna be one of those names I spell differently every time I type it) is a badass. Angry, possibly psychotic, but a badass.
My ship better sail, dammit. We’re all talking peace and treaties and shit when we could be sailing this ship.
Raven, you’re so perfect and angry and I love you. I know you’re sad Clarke gut Finn, but your perfection makes me happy.
Speaking of perfect people being perfect: BELLAMY. IT’S BEEN LIKE TWO WEEKS WHERE ARE YOU I NEED TO GAZE UPON YOUR PERFECTLY STRUCTURED FACE.
Oh. The grounders are taking Finn’s body away, to do grounder ritualistic death things, and his eyes opened. That’s not okay.
And we’re at Mount Weather, checking in with the 47 hanging there, getting their blood taken, having their spines drilled into. What was this girl’s name they lost again? Harper. Maybe Harper? Wonder what happened to her after having her spine drilled into. For bone marrow. Or something. We’re not really talking about Harper. This feels like something we should probably be discussing, y’all.
Monty, baby. I missed you and all your general science whiz kid talk. I don’t even know what you’re talking about right now but I love hearing you talk about it.
BELLAMY. THERE YOU ARE. OH I MISSED YOU SO MUCH. Don’t leave me with these people again. STAY CLOSE TO ME, HANDSOME.
Clarke is losing her fool mind and seeing Finn everywhere but Bellamy is telling her she did the right thing because he will bloody his hands building this damn ship himself now that Finn is out of the picture. This is why I love you, Bellamy. Your determination.
Bellamy is pushing to go to Mount Weather because THIS SHOW NEEDS MY STRESS LEVELS THROUGH THE ROOF ALL THE TIME and Clarke drops a: “I can’t lose you too. Okay?” That’s what I like to see, Clarke. A little participation. Show me some hustle.
Me: “Oh! Hey! Is that Grounder Opie?”
Betty: “No. I think it’s another white dude with a beard?”
Me: “Really? Huh. White men all look the same to me.”
These are the epiphanies I have watching this show. I don’t know.
Kane to Abby: “We need to talk about Jaha.” Jaha is STILL in jail? FREE JAHA 2015.
Lincoln shaved so that’s nice. I suppose he’d gone long enough on a CW show with a beard. Had to get rid of it. These things aren’t allowed, son.
Octavia is mounting Lincoln literally in front of everyone on this trip back to the grounder village because homegirl is still out to get some and WILL NOT BE DETERRED. Get your freak nasty on, girlfriend. Let it off the chain.
Somehow Finn is more obnoxious in death than he was in life, popping up literally everywhere. I know I’m supposed to be worrying about Clarke’s mental state, her seeing him the way she is, but really. I’ve had enough of you Finn. Get thee behind me, Spacewalker.
Bellamy and his gun reminds me of Jayne and Vera from Firefly.
Speaking of Jayne. I’ve learned things about Baldwin that hurt my soul and it’s made it hard for me to appreciate Jayne when rewatching. I know everyone preaches that you’re supposed to separate the artist from the art but I can’t do that. I’ve tried. Good or bad, it affects how I view the art. Like, maybe that’s not fair, but I can’t help it. If you’re a shitty person, it’s gonna taint that art for me. If you’re an awesome person, likewise, it’s gonna make me view your art more favorably. I cannot separate the two.
But, you know, I do the same with physical attraction too. How someone acts can and does affect how physically attractive I find them. Case in point: Daniel Radcliffe. I was always pretty meh about him, which may have something to do with the fact I feel like I’m lightyears older than him (how much older am I than him? Google tells me only four? Wow. Way to make yourself ancient in your mind, Kristy.) But then I saw the thing about his stuntman and it suddenly turned into: omg, you are a glorious human being and I find your face immensely pleasing.
I’ve gotten so off the subject here. BACK TO THE SHOW:
Raven standing there refusing to disarm herself before entering this grounder village and making the grounders do it instead is prefect. As is her stockpile of weapons. Lord, never let me see the day I don’t appreciate a female with a stockpile of weaponry.
“Murderers are not welcome here.” I mean, I can understand this sentiment. Last time they saw these sky people, Finn lost his damn fool mind and started killing — OH. OKAY. SO THIS OTHER GROUNDER WITH THE COMMANDER IS JUST LIKE: “FINE. I’LL MURDER YOU AND ANYONE ELSE WHO SASSES ME. WE’RE ALL MURDERERS DOWN HERE.” Shit, man. That’s one way to handle it, I guess?
Mount Weather needs a better pre-treating system. All their clothes are ridiculously stained. You guys couldn’t science up some OxyClean or something? You’ve had 97 years to work this out. I mean, I use peroxide. You could try that?
Jasper, I missed your lips.
ANNNND back to the grounder village where we’re burning Finn’s body.
I like how the grounders are big fans of fire. They just want to burn everything. I respect that.
Lincoln is translating the grounder language because the sky people can’t see the subtitles.
“Clarke. Light this bitch up. Huge honor. Shouldn’t bother you since you gutted a motherfucker.” I like how Lexa just does not GAF.
And there’s Finn. Helping set himself on fire. Finn, why can’t I escape you and your stupid hair? I shouldn’t have to deal with this.
….I could ship Clarke and Lexa. They are a couple I could get behind.
Whoa, Lexa. Stop talking about not caring about people because it’s weakness. I AM TRYING TO BUILD A GOT DANG SHIP HERE. WORK WITH ME, PEOPLE.
They’re having a feast. A “good job killing your dude” feast. That’s — festive.
Kane is offering Lexa booze because if we’re gonna celebrate killing a man, we’re gonna do it right, gosh dern it, and Lexa is slick as shit about it. “Clarke, let’s get fucked up on your moonshine together IN CASE YOU POISONED IT, URCHIN.”
I bet Idnra poisoned it.
KNEW IT. FUCKING KNEW IT. SOMEONE WROTE FANFICTION LIKE THIS. EVEN DOWN TO HER SECOND-IN-COMMAND GOING DOWN INSTEAD OF HER.
Bellamy threw himself in front of Clarke when the grounders started FLIPPING OUT LIKE NINJAS. *heart eyes*
The grounders are leaving them to sort out the fact that poison was found on Raven and dropping some serious threats on some folks. Which seems rash but they could have just started killing people. That’d have been my reaction, honestly.
Raven punched Clarke because Clarke was like, “check this, Raven. Did you try to poison the Commander because I can’t help but notice you are awfully
angry” AND GHOST-FINN IS WATCHING. WHAT THE FUCK. Even in death he gets off on this love-triangle.
And now Clarke’s talking to him. Why not?
I can practically hear the hurt/comfort fic being written.
Abby: “I know how you feel, Clarke. I know because I killed your dad.” This is not gonna go over well.
It did not go over well.
It’s eerie the way Clarke and Abby’s hair always matches.
NO. MONTY IS GONE. I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL RIOT.
Oh. Wait. He’s sneaking into control room in order to unscramble communication long enough to reach the Ark. Of course he is. Monty, you perfect boy you.
Oh God. Kane. Shut up. I don’t even know why I want you to shut up, but your voice is obnoxious to me right now. I think this flashing back and forth between your people and the 47 in Mount Weather is starting to fry my nerves.
THEY’RE TAKING RAVEN AND THREATENING TO KILL HER OH SWEET JESUS NO.
SHE CUT RAVEN THEY’RE CUTTING RAVEN I CANT HANDLE THIS.
SHE’S SCREAMING AND ….of fucking course Finn is in the corner while perfect Raven is being cut and screaming. Nodding at the cup because we can’t just have Clarke figure it out on her own. Her subconscious, which is conjuring this image of Finn, has to lead her to it. NO MORE FINN 2015.
Gustus. You thug. He poisoned the cup and then drank from it and, after being confronted about it, is like, “Yep. I’d do it again too because this alliance is shit.”
Betty is now quoting Scooby-Doo. “And I’d have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for these meddling sky kids with great faces!”
….I maintain that I’d be okay with Bellamy and Raven being together if nothing else.
Monty, please don’t get caught being sneaky. YOU’RE GONNA GET CAUGHT. IF MONTY DIES I RIOT.
THIS SHOW STILL CAUSES ME SO MUCH STRESS. OH GOD. OH GOD OHHHH GOD HE GOT CAUGHT OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
ANNNND we’ve cut back to Gustus getting shanked by literally every grounder.
The theme of this episode is “We’re all the same fucking person and that person is awful.”
Bellamy knew it was Gustus who did it because: “He’d do anything for her. To protect her.” Please do not let this be foreshadowing.
Clarke has had a change of heart and is now sending Bellamy into Mount Weather and he is looking PAINED AND I AM PAINED. Clarke, you are stone cold.
And there’s motherfucking Finn again. You piece of shit.
“Love is weakness.” MOTHERFUCKER. YOU TAKE THAT BACK I AM BUSY SHIPPING YOU. At least it got rid of Ghost-Finn but STILL.
Wait no this is perfect she is gonna turn into an ice princess and then it’s up to Bellamy to THAW HER ICY HEART YES. Basically my favorite ever trope next to enemies-to-lovers.
Monty is in a cage oh my baby no.
Harper is above him all, “son, we’ve all got cages shit is gonna get so
Next week’s episode looks like 60 minutes of a panic attack.
And I have to wait a week now for it. Real time TV watching is the worst.