To be fair, this is something I’ve never done before on any public platform. So, shit might be awkward, is what I’m saying. But, damn it, I have to do it. I have to talk about it. You know. That new show (mini-series? Something?) on TNT? Noah Wylie is in it. As well as that pleasant looking fellow from Gone in 60 Seconds. Look. I know he’s been in other things. Armageddon, if I remember correctly, but to me, he’ll always be that pleasant looking fellow from Gone in 60 Seconds. He’s that guy. I don’t know.
(Speaking of pleasant looking fellows, what’s up, Noah. Haven’t seen you since ER. You haven’t aged, like, at all.)
And…is anyone even watching this show besides Betty & me? No? I didn’t think so. Anywho. So. Steven Spielberg is a big fan of aliens, amirite? Has anyone confirmed if he himself is, in fact, an alien? No? We should probably get someone on that pretty soon. It’s like he’s recycling his own shit these days. “What? We kinda already did this with Tom Cruise? Whatever. Get us a little boy then. Roll film!”
Aliens, though. They’ve taken over. And they’re harvesting kids? Basically we need an intergalactic Chris Hansen on the job because, clearly, these aliens are Class A Creepers. And the surviving humans, they have a resistance going, as you do when aliens take over, and shit’s pretty real. And I kinda blanked out after awhile, so this has to be the worst summary ever.
Sorry, Spielberg. Probably should have had Will Smith in there somewhere.
But anyway, it dawned at me at one point, if angry aliens ever invaded Earth, I would be so fucked. Seriously. There’s no, “I’m sure I could adapt and possibly survive. Maybe take out an alien or two along the way before I went down in a blaze of glory.” No. No, I would be dead that day. Like, an hour after they landed. I’d be in the first 100 gone. Maybe even the first 50. Quite frankly, I have no real skills to keep me alive in that kinda scenario. Unless…wait. Do aliens drink? Cause if I challenged them to a drinking contest, I’d probably have a shot. Maybe have a freestyle rap contest? I can’t imagine that aliens would be very good at rapping. Not the way Hollywood tends to portray them anyway. They seem a bit too hellbent on bloodshed to really be able to come up with smooth rhymes off the top of their very large, somewhat freakish heads. But other than that? I’m screwed. I’m screwer than screwed. I’m like, screwed in the butt, no lube, no reach around, not even a pat on the shoulder screwed. I think that’s why alien takeover movies fascinate me so much. Because I know I would die. Immediately. If the spaceship didn’t land on me or something, I’d probably shoot my kneecap off trying to take out an alien, which would turn out to be a squirrel, and then I would die from blood loss. Or I would be running from an alien and step on a nail and end up with tetanus and die foaming at the mouth. This would be my fate.
So, fight on, Noah, you pleasant looking former ER doctor, you. I’ll be over here taking notes and inevitably forgetting them.